I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
