I swear god or herbie drove my car home
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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