who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
