hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Randomize
