just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
