I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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