I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
