I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
