Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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