I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
that's an acceptable place to lick
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
