I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Randomize
