your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
