the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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