so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
