Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
