I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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