My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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