never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
