Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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