I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
