It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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