My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
They have beer where we have blood.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
