I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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