a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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