I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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