I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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