if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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