sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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