i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
