Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
