I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
