So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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