I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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