Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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