you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
