Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
