Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
