According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
3 2 1 whiskey
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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