Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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