I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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