got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
