I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
