Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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