Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
