Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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