Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I need a burrito and a hug.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
