Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
