God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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