Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I need to align my fucking chakras
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
