apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My vagina is very pro this idea
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
