yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
